However, upon doing the task, it disturbed a long, deep-buried, pain.
Ever since I was 15, I've had this irrepressible sadness that I am an embarrassment to my family. I looked around at all of my parent's friends children, particularly the girls, and saw only slim, pretty girls...all with boyfriends/getting attention from boys. (a 15 yr olds mind is a cruel, cruel place). Me. None. I felt that, surely, Mum and Dad wanted a slim girl, who they wouldn't be embarrassed to be seen by their friends. The same friends with the skinny daughters.
Also, being a boarder at an all girls school just fuelled the fire. Seeing my lithe peers walking around in towels, short shorts etc. I was strictly a polo shirt and rugby shorts girl back then, too worried and embarrassed to wear anything else.
I think the first thing that really injected my self-conscious issues was at a Year 8 social (13 yrs). I asked a boy to dance. He looked me up and down, and said "I don't want to dance with you, you fat bitch". Nice. Now imagine how that sounds in a 13yr old girls mind. I've never, ever forgotten that moment. And, at that stage, I wasn't obese by any stretch, just overweight, soft.
Of course, as I've become older, and wiser (?), and know that me being an embarrassment to my family is so far from the truth. HOWEVER, it is still deep-seated and ingrained in my psyche. That's why I included it in my commitments list.
So, today's challenge was hard, but so liberating at the same time. Now I have a tangible list on which I can refer to when I feel myself slipping. And personally, it packs a punch.
Here it is (deep breath):
I am committed to finding the
person inside me that I will love, instead of berate/hate/self-sabotage
everyday.
I am committed to putting myself
in a journey that is not only going to change my body, but my life, my
confidence, my self worth.
I am committed to giving myself
a healthier future.
I am committed to stopping my
family's worries about my weight.
I am committed to losing that
20kgs and keeping it off....this time it will stay off.
I am committed to transforming
myself into a person that I feel will no longer embarrass my family.
I am committed to giving this my
absolute all. No guts, no glory.
I am committed to supporting not
only myself but every other person undertaking this journey.
We are all in this together, and
support and encouragement from others is so important and healthy.
And lastly....
I am, above all,
committed to me. This is my life, my only life.
xx
So, that's it. I want to feel peace with myself. I am committed to me. xx
Hi Em,
ReplyDeleteI wish you so much success throughout the program and further. I know where you are coming from. As a child I was not overweight but what you would call tubby. Fairly plain with friends much slimmer and prettier and for a child this produced a fairly low self image which has lasted to varying degrees throughout my life. I am now 54 but it is not all bad. My years at uni saw me creep to a size 18 which for a 5 foot nothing body size was quite huge. Beer and pies played an major role in my diet and consequently around the pool I was known as the whale. Almost 40 years later and the comments are still remembered. But there are choices, and changes are easily made and maintained. I am now a tiny 52 kg and size 8 and have involved myself in the 12wbt program to maintain a happy balance and size throughout menopause as i want to be as fit and active as I can for as long as I can. I still have a poor body image (really don't know why but bad habits are hard to break) but I don't let it bother me too much any more. I have become a very positive person with a great understanding of my place in the world.
Stay positive and keep that commitment to yourself. It is all worth it in the end and inner peace is a beautiful thing.
All the very best along the way.
Kathryn
Hi Kathryn,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing your journey with me. It's amazing how the brain refuses to let go. A huge congratulations on your transformation, that's fabulous. I can't wait to become fit and healthy like you. All the best with everything :)
Em x
Hi Kathryn,
ReplyDeleteYou are already on your way to success. You have out yourself first. You have see the errors of your ways and put plans in place to succeed.
It still amazes me at how cruel and hurtful kids canbe and they don't realize that comments can last a lifetime. You are all set for an amazing journey and I can't wait to follow your progress.
You are already a winner, you are making it happen!xx
TamaraR